I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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