I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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