there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
