I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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