bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
