I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
