her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
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