So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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