I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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