You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
