DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
