take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
