He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
