grandma shit on top of the toilet
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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