I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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