So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
