Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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