Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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