a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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