Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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