i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
