i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
You may now shotgun with the bride
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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