There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
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