all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
