Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
