If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
