so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
