I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
i need to put some appletini on your dick
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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