they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
