i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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