Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Randomize
