Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
