Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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