I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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