My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
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My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
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drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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