The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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