when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
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Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
you never un-have a 4some
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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