just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
where does the pee come out of this thing
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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