I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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