I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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