The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Randomize
