You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
