He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
