So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
