Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Randomize
