We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
