I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
