I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
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Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
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Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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