When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
