If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
