I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
