i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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