do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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