Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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