Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
20 People Who Caught Their Significant Others Cheating and Hand Over Some Major Karma
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
33 Memes You’ll Find Uncomfortably Relatable If You’ve Ever Been Through A Messy Breakup
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT