I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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