Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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